clint stallone, born london, february 20th 2005
after months of anguish, stress and pain, clint stallone passed away today when he accepted a job at a bank in the city. he leaves behind a couple of good friends at his firm and some fond memories but his last words were, "i am so excited i am going to leave these arseholes behind"."Goodbye idiots!".
born in february 2005 after enduring 4 months of working with the most incompetent person he had ever come across, clint was the brash, outspoken, alter-ego of a normal, slightly shy and quiet man that worked in an internet agency in central london. he had worked there for around 5 years and had worked his way up from being a desktop support person to senior server engineer. easy to get along with and famous for his laughter that would echo around the office at lunchtimes, his professional career became strained at the beginning of 2005. that year proved to be a crucual year in the life of clint and as things degenerated by each passing day, his friends recalled he stilll maintained his humour outside work, whilst watching the company and department he had invested his time and career in, slowly disintegrate in front of him.
things came to breaking point at the end of that year when he called a meeting with his MD, resigning his post saying he could no longer work with the 3 other people in the department. expecting to leave he was surprised when it was suggested that all 3 would be sacked and he would be made head of the team and given free reign to hire whomever he wanted. he ended up staying and turning down his offer, which would have been less lucrative.
he hired 2 new guys and the all was well in his team for the first half of the 2006. towards late summer 2006 he started to get the feeling that it was maybe time to leave the company he had spent 7 years of his life at. something in him had changed and i think the events of the previous year had left an indelible mark inside him.
he could have stayed for years and been secure in a future that he could see, but he decided that what he could see coming was not what he wanted. he wanted more than that and he threw himself into his studies and upon passing his final exam in the fall of 2006 he started to look for new opportunities and a change of scenery. months of rejections and near misses followed, but his spirit and optimism never waned and finally after 6 months of looking he got an offer he had to accept with a heavy heart as he was leaving a job he had spent many years at, and which had stressed him out and upset him, but to which he felt a great appreciation and fondness for.
till the end he maintained his passion for football and many people commented that had he had not wasted away his youth with his head buried in electronics, physics and maths books, he might have been one of the best players in europe. he also enjoyed listening to music and seeing bands and travelling the world.
widely regarded by women to be a hot piece of arse, he was unmarried at the time of his death, and all womankind will be in deep sorrow and mourning at his premature loss. an inconsolable elle "the body" macpherson was reported to have said," i only saw him once in my life in new york, but seeing him was what convinced me to leave my husband as i wanted to get me some of that"." i was making at eyes at him across a crowded restaurant and we had a moment between us that i will cherish forever".
amongst the other tributes that have poured in around the world, david ortiz, star player of the boston red sox said, "knowing clint was a redsox fan inspired us all in winning our first world series in 86 years, we won it for him".
clints idol and close friend, the french footballer zinedine zidane was reported to have said "hearing the news that clint has passed makes me feel one million times worse than that time i got sent off for headbutting that italian fella in the world cup final". " he was an immense talent and unlike so many players today that play the game for the multi-million pound contracts, he played because he had passion, and was a joy to watch"."i learned so much from him and had an enormous amount of respect and love for him..........but not in a gay way!"
brazillian supermodel, giselle, fought back the tears to say " i only wish i had met him once in my life"."he was the main reason i didn't marry leo dicaprio because i wanted a real man, like him".
pope benedict in rome said "obviously not as sad as when jesus died, clints passing is certainly a very close second".
a man with renewed ambition, clint had already started to think of the next challenge even as he was receiving news of his new job. ironically he felt more alive just as part of him had ceased to live.
a full state funeral is planned to take place at westminister abbey this week. prime minsters and presidents, stars of film and music, sportsmen and women and supermodels are all scheduled to be flying in for the service. elton john was due to write a song especially for the funeral like he did for princess diana, but friends of clint have said that he wouldn't have wanted that wig wearing chump at his funeral and so the cure and radiohead will be performing some of his favourite songs and there will also be a special performance by trent reznor who will be performing his classic song, hurt.
thank you to everyone for visiting and leaving comments and extra special thanks to vanessa who was the only reason clint carried on writing and for whom this blog was written for, even before he knew her. he always said he was really glad she found him.
on the day he passed he had mostly been listening to
stereophonics - dakota
editors - munich
radiohead - high and dry
clint stallone, feb 20th 2005 - April 23rd 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
cage rage
i went to cage rage at wembley arena on saturday evening. a guy that used to play football with us a few years back but who i haven't seen in years, was fighting and so a bunch of us from football went to support him. its the kind of thing i would never have dreamed of going to, because i am not into ultimate fighting. to be honest, it wasn't nearly as brutal as i thought i would be. there was no blood or broken noises. lots of grappling on the floor. there were a couple of knock outs and that was it.
oscar de la hoya v floyd mayweather in las vegas would have been more my thing, but there you go. i had the cheaper option. oh, and my friend got knocked out in the first round. it all seemed pretty even for the first couple of minutes but he got caught square on the chin by an uppercut and that was him done. he was ok though and got up after the count.
today i have mostly been listening to angel and airwaves - valkrye missile. if you are ever feeling down or a little low, listen to this song. its good for the soul.
oscar de la hoya v floyd mayweather in las vegas would have been more my thing, but there you go. i had the cheaper option. oh, and my friend got knocked out in the first round. it all seemed pretty even for the first couple of minutes but he got caught square on the chin by an uppercut and that was him done. he was ok though and got up after the count.
today i have mostly been listening to angel and airwaves - valkrye missile. if you are ever feeling down or a little low, listen to this song. its good for the soul.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
stress is good
stress is good and thats why i have been sleeping well. i worked it out. since i have had the stress of planning our office move, installing blackberry server, upgrading client webservers and trying to find a new job, i have been going to the gym more regularly in the evenings to try and relax and work out any tension in me. i get stressed at work and with things going on, and so i find i am working out harder every time i go to the gym. it means that i am phyicially really tired when i get home in the evening and so sleep like a baby. its very simple.
football tonight and its going to be wicked. you can not begin to even imagine how beautiful a day its been today. just perfect weather.
had a meeting with the MD and he has planned some more projects for me next month. he has no idea of the bombshell that is coming. i thought he would be able to sense something coming seeing as i had a few half days off last week, but it seems like he doesn't.
if you hear a man screaming next week, don't worry, its just my MD having a breakdown as i tell him i am going at the worst possible moment when they have some huge projects on the go.
i have been telling a heck of a lot of lies recently and should be nominated for an academy award for some of my acting as well. i had my annual review last week. the MD said i seemed much happier recently and he said i seemed more positive about the future. i said i did and that going away on holiday had cleared my head and made me think things over and i said i was a lot more content since i came back. he thought i meant content to stay and the holiday had put things into persepective for me. he was right. the holiday did make me assess things but only to make me want to leave even more. i saw the people in the mine and i saw some other people and things and i know any one of them would do anything to have the opportunities i have, and so it inspired me to keep pushing myself. one of our tech directors had a meeting with me today as well and he asked me how everything was and i said i was busy planning for the move to the new building and all the ideas i had, knowing full well i was not planning to be here.
anyway, my contract still hasn't turned up yet but i have been assured it will soon.
today i have mostly been listening to nine inch nails - everyday is exactly the same. it won't be for much longer.
have a lovely day and take care of yourself.
football tonight and its going to be wicked. you can not begin to even imagine how beautiful a day its been today. just perfect weather.
had a meeting with the MD and he has planned some more projects for me next month. he has no idea of the bombshell that is coming. i thought he would be able to sense something coming seeing as i had a few half days off last week, but it seems like he doesn't.
if you hear a man screaming next week, don't worry, its just my MD having a breakdown as i tell him i am going at the worst possible moment when they have some huge projects on the go.
i have been telling a heck of a lot of lies recently and should be nominated for an academy award for some of my acting as well. i had my annual review last week. the MD said i seemed much happier recently and he said i seemed more positive about the future. i said i did and that going away on holiday had cleared my head and made me think things over and i said i was a lot more content since i came back. he thought i meant content to stay and the holiday had put things into persepective for me. he was right. the holiday did make me assess things but only to make me want to leave even more. i saw the people in the mine and i saw some other people and things and i know any one of them would do anything to have the opportunities i have, and so it inspired me to keep pushing myself. one of our tech directors had a meeting with me today as well and he asked me how everything was and i said i was busy planning for the move to the new building and all the ideas i had, knowing full well i was not planning to be here.
anyway, my contract still hasn't turned up yet but i have been assured it will soon.
today i have mostly been listening to nine inch nails - everyday is exactly the same. it won't be for much longer.
have a lovely day and take care of yourself.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
waiting......
i talked to the 2 guys i work with yesterday and let them know i was going to be leaving. they knew already but i just wanted to sit down with them and tell them properly. as soon as my contract gets here i will resign officially.
whilst i am still here though, i sent a mail to the MD saying that the 2 guys should get big pay rises because they were critical to the operation of the department. if the MD doesn't believe that, he certainly will in a day or two, when he knows i am going.
we are also moving office in the next couple of months so its probably the worst possible time i could ever leave at. its going to be insane and this has been one of the big projects i have been working on the last couple of weeks. i won't be here when we move but i think i will offer to come back for that one weekend and help them out. i was thinking of doing it for free but you know what, i thought about it and me being here for that weekend will save them tens of thousands of pounds, if not hundreds of thousands of pounds. would only be fair if they paid me a grand or two for what will be 2 very long days. anyways thats a discussion for a little later.
i have recently been in meetings with contractors and project managers that are doing building work at our new office and i have been going through various plans and stuff with them. there really isn't anyone else that knows what we need. to be honest i haven't done this stuff before either, but i know what we need and i know what we would like and so i have been leading this up. the MD is going to be so pissed off it will not be measureable using current technology, when i resign. they will do there usual trick of throwing some money at me, but to be honest there is nothing they can offer me to make me stay. an extra ten or fifteen grand wouldn't really do it for me because i know i can make that money back and some more than that, next year, when i get some banking experience behind me.
thats it really. just waiting for paperwork to arrive really. i can't wait to leave. its been a long time and i just want to go now. i can see the end and i just want to get there. my plan is to do the new job till the new year and then look to move again in january/february and possibly go contracting. i hopefully shouldn't have too much trouble getting another job can potentially earn a lot of money then and i have some things i would like to get done and ambitions to fulfill and maybe do something nice for someone.
on a side note it was very sad to see and hear that some nut job went on a ramapage killing 32 people at virginia tech. anyone who knows me knows i love going to the states. america can get quite a bashing by europeans but i disagree with those that are very anti. i think people here mistake america and george bush. they are not one and the same and george bushs views are not widely held especially in places like the north east which is viewed as more liberal.
i have visited the states 10 times and each time i have liked the place more and more. i feel safer in new york at night than i do in london.
saying all that i do think the gun laws are completely mad over there. i read some article where the american gun lobby actually said this event was proof that gun laws needed to be relaxed not tightened up, and they said if the other students had been carrying weapons then 32 people wouldn't have got shot. that seems like a bizarre argument and i can't believe anyone would suggest that. their answer is more guns, not less!!!????. thats madness. seems they want to give out 32 guns to the students rather than take 1 gun away from the psycho. i don't get it.
...anyways, i think i have the states on my mind anyway because for the last few years i have gone there for my annual week break in new york, at the end of april and beginning of may. not to be this year. its all change. am thinking of going in septeember but i am thinking about a lot of things at the moment. who knows????........
actually my mind has been racing a lot these past few days. some of it is to do with the job thing and some of it is other stuff. usually this would mean i would not be sleeping well, which i don't usually, but actually i have been sleeping like a baby the last week. i must be doing the right thing by way of leaving my job because it doesn't keep me up at night. i am excited for what will happen. i am glad i don't know what my future is. i wasn't that keen on the one that i could see coming. its all very exciting you know.
today i have mostly been listening to stereophonics - just looking.
there are things i want, there are things i think i want.
whilst i am still here though, i sent a mail to the MD saying that the 2 guys should get big pay rises because they were critical to the operation of the department. if the MD doesn't believe that, he certainly will in a day or two, when he knows i am going.
we are also moving office in the next couple of months so its probably the worst possible time i could ever leave at. its going to be insane and this has been one of the big projects i have been working on the last couple of weeks. i won't be here when we move but i think i will offer to come back for that one weekend and help them out. i was thinking of doing it for free but you know what, i thought about it and me being here for that weekend will save them tens of thousands of pounds, if not hundreds of thousands of pounds. would only be fair if they paid me a grand or two for what will be 2 very long days. anyways thats a discussion for a little later.
i have recently been in meetings with contractors and project managers that are doing building work at our new office and i have been going through various plans and stuff with them. there really isn't anyone else that knows what we need. to be honest i haven't done this stuff before either, but i know what we need and i know what we would like and so i have been leading this up. the MD is going to be so pissed off it will not be measureable using current technology, when i resign. they will do there usual trick of throwing some money at me, but to be honest there is nothing they can offer me to make me stay. an extra ten or fifteen grand wouldn't really do it for me because i know i can make that money back and some more than that, next year, when i get some banking experience behind me.
thats it really. just waiting for paperwork to arrive really. i can't wait to leave. its been a long time and i just want to go now. i can see the end and i just want to get there. my plan is to do the new job till the new year and then look to move again in january/february and possibly go contracting. i hopefully shouldn't have too much trouble getting another job can potentially earn a lot of money then and i have some things i would like to get done and ambitions to fulfill and maybe do something nice for someone.
on a side note it was very sad to see and hear that some nut job went on a ramapage killing 32 people at virginia tech. anyone who knows me knows i love going to the states. america can get quite a bashing by europeans but i disagree with those that are very anti. i think people here mistake america and george bush. they are not one and the same and george bushs views are not widely held especially in places like the north east which is viewed as more liberal.
i have visited the states 10 times and each time i have liked the place more and more. i feel safer in new york at night than i do in london.
saying all that i do think the gun laws are completely mad over there. i read some article where the american gun lobby actually said this event was proof that gun laws needed to be relaxed not tightened up, and they said if the other students had been carrying weapons then 32 people wouldn't have got shot. that seems like a bizarre argument and i can't believe anyone would suggest that. their answer is more guns, not less!!!????. thats madness. seems they want to give out 32 guns to the students rather than take 1 gun away from the psycho. i don't get it.
...anyways, i think i have the states on my mind anyway because for the last few years i have gone there for my annual week break in new york, at the end of april and beginning of may. not to be this year. its all change. am thinking of going in septeember but i am thinking about a lot of things at the moment. who knows????........
actually my mind has been racing a lot these past few days. some of it is to do with the job thing and some of it is other stuff. usually this would mean i would not be sleeping well, which i don't usually, but actually i have been sleeping like a baby the last week. i must be doing the right thing by way of leaving my job because it doesn't keep me up at night. i am excited for what will happen. i am glad i don't know what my future is. i wasn't that keen on the one that i could see coming. its all very exciting you know.
today i have mostly been listening to stereophonics - just looking.
there are things i want, there are things i think i want.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
desire
i think there is a very big chance i will resign this week. actually i will probably resign on tuesday i think. have been thinking it over a lot this weekend. its lovely and sunny and warm and i think had we been in the middle of a cold dark winter i would feel different, but when the sun is out and london is shining and colourful, it makes me feel positive and hopeful.
i think my current job might offer me more money to stay and it will be more than what i will get at the new place, but i will still turn it down. i think i would regret not seeing what it would be like elsewhere. i don't think i could live happily with not knowing what it was like had i taken a chance and tried what it would be like on the other side. it would eat away at me and i would regret it. i know i would.
i still think of the job that i got interviewed 3 times for, and that i didn't get a couple of months back. it was paying £120,000 a year and i know i could have done it. i think they had doubts because i hadn't worked in a large investment banking environment and so they picked someone else who had. they kept me hanging on a long time and so i know i was very close to getting it. i will get it next time.
i could also wait and keep looking for something that is more closer to what i actually want but the fact is that i have been looking for nearly 6 months now. the time is right to go and i might be able to surpress this desire for a while longer but i don't want to.
there are times when we have to surpress our desires because there are things out of our control, or other reasons. there are no reasons for me not to do this and now.
once i have done the deed of resigning i will post again. it will be hard to leave because i have been at my job over 7 years. there are some arseholes here but there are some really nice people as well and i will miss them, but i will still stay in contact with all of my friends that i have made. i just have to leave to see how close to my ambitions i can get. i cant't give up on my ambitions and dreams. not yet.
well i am off to a wedding party now. its a beautiful day outside. in the words of the billy idol song, its a nice day to start again, its a nice day for a white wedding.
today i have mostly been listeniing to chicane - stoned in love.
i think my current job might offer me more money to stay and it will be more than what i will get at the new place, but i will still turn it down. i think i would regret not seeing what it would be like elsewhere. i don't think i could live happily with not knowing what it was like had i taken a chance and tried what it would be like on the other side. it would eat away at me and i would regret it. i know i would.
i still think of the job that i got interviewed 3 times for, and that i didn't get a couple of months back. it was paying £120,000 a year and i know i could have done it. i think they had doubts because i hadn't worked in a large investment banking environment and so they picked someone else who had. they kept me hanging on a long time and so i know i was very close to getting it. i will get it next time.
i could also wait and keep looking for something that is more closer to what i actually want but the fact is that i have been looking for nearly 6 months now. the time is right to go and i might be able to surpress this desire for a while longer but i don't want to.
there are times when we have to surpress our desires because there are things out of our control, or other reasons. there are no reasons for me not to do this and now.
once i have done the deed of resigning i will post again. it will be hard to leave because i have been at my job over 7 years. there are some arseholes here but there are some really nice people as well and i will miss them, but i will still stay in contact with all of my friends that i have made. i just have to leave to see how close to my ambitions i can get. i cant't give up on my ambitions and dreams. not yet.
well i am off to a wedding party now. its a beautiful day outside. in the words of the billy idol song, its a nice day to start again, its a nice day for a white wedding.
today i have mostly been listeniing to chicane - stoned in love.
Friday, April 13, 2007
one offer
i have one offer on the table. to be honest its not what i wanted in terms of money but i might have to take it just to escape.
i am waiting on another place that i really do want. the money is a little better but the company is very good indeed. i already had an interview and i got a call yesterday asking me when i might be able to start but they said they were just checking. there is no firm offer from them. i might call my agent and give them the hurry up. i have told the place that made me the offer today that i would let them know on tuesday next week.
its beautiful outside today and will be all weekend. one of the guys that used to work here, but left a while ago is getting married on sunday and a bunch of us are going to the reception in the evening. it should be good. will make a change wearing a suit and not being quizzed about routers and firewalls and servers.
today i have mostly been listening to kings of leon - knocked up. its from their new album and its a very good song.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
perilously hopeful
i have a strange feeling that i might be perilously close to something regarding getting out of my job. will say no more but i think at this moment i am closer than i have ever been. i said this week might be a big week. maybe next week could be bigger and more important.
today i have mostly been listening to thom yorke - harrowdown hill. he is the lead singer of radiohead and this is a great song from his solo album.
today i have mostly been listening to thom yorke - harrowdown hill. he is the lead singer of radiohead and this is a great song from his solo album.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
note to self
its ok to sing the new single by biffy clyro - saturday superhouse, to yourself while showering at home, but its not ok to find yourself singing it in the shower at the gym. i will have to restrain myself but sometimes you can't hep it because a song just gets in your head and you can hear it everywhere.
in other news, i think we have broken the back of this winter and brighter and warmer days are ahead. i didn't have to wear my fleece whilst cycling for the first time this year, last weekend. it was sunny last week but when you cycle you could still feel a little bite of cold in the air. this weekend it had gone and it felt ok in a long sleeve t-shirt. i had to stop after 5 mintues to take my fleece off and put it in my bag because i was starting to get warm. also no need for a jacket this morning as i left to go to work. wore a zip-up jumper and my jacket shall hopefully be retired from use till ocotober i hope.
went for a drive around central london last night. haven't just gone out for a drive in the city for a while now. i managed to borrow a black range rover sport with blacked out windows, and i thought it would be a waste not to take it out for a while for a quick spin around town. its looks like a bit of a drug dealers car or something a rapper or footballer would drive, but i liked it. the city is also a lot more peaceful late at night and its nice and relaxing to just cruise around sometimes.
big week coming up.......... . after the amount of rejections i have had, you would think i wouldn't get excited about this and would have become a bit jaded, but i still get excited. cross your fingers for me. :-)
today i have mostly been listening to biffy clyro - saturday superhouse. its swirling around in my head.
in other news, i think we have broken the back of this winter and brighter and warmer days are ahead. i didn't have to wear my fleece whilst cycling for the first time this year, last weekend. it was sunny last week but when you cycle you could still feel a little bite of cold in the air. this weekend it had gone and it felt ok in a long sleeve t-shirt. i had to stop after 5 mintues to take my fleece off and put it in my bag because i was starting to get warm. also no need for a jacket this morning as i left to go to work. wore a zip-up jumper and my jacket shall hopefully be retired from use till ocotober i hope.
went for a drive around central london last night. haven't just gone out for a drive in the city for a while now. i managed to borrow a black range rover sport with blacked out windows, and i thought it would be a waste not to take it out for a while for a quick spin around town. its looks like a bit of a drug dealers car or something a rapper or footballer would drive, but i liked it. the city is also a lot more peaceful late at night and its nice and relaxing to just cruise around sometimes.
big week coming up.......... . after the amount of rejections i have had, you would think i wouldn't get excited about this and would have become a bit jaded, but i still get excited. cross your fingers for me. :-)
today i have mostly been listening to biffy clyro - saturday superhouse. its swirling around in my head.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
eyes and ears
have you seen the film "the breakfast club". if you haven't then get your arse down to the shops and buy it. its always on special offer. anyway there is a bit where the janitor in the school is talking to the kids and says "i am the eyes and ears of this institution, i hear all your conversations and i know all about you", or words to that effect.
i am the equivalent of the janitor here. i have been at this company longer than anyone else and i know everyone here and a lot about them.
last week i found out some stuff about idiot-tech boss. anyone that has read this blog will know i have a severe dislike for him. its nothing personal. i just don't like people that are lazy and incompetent and that have an overblown sense of importance.
spending 60% of your departments training budget on yourself on trips to california and spain is not what i call good team management, especially as there are some good people in his department that haven't been on a course in years.
asking for a new laptop every year because you want a new toy is not something that i like.
bringing in your own personal phone bills and putting them through expenses is something i disagree with.
complaining about the brand of coffee and peanut butter we have in the office, shows me he has trivial things on his mind, whilst some of us have some more pressing issues.
sneaking out to the gym for 2 hours every afternoon is not something i would think of doing. i go the gym AFTER work not DURING.
along with this catologue of waste i heard about a new thing he has pulled. he has booked a course for 4 people in his department to go on. he got the company to pay for it and all seemed well. one of the guys in his team wanted to go on it but was told all the places were taken up. he was kind of dissapointed but accepted it. he then decided to look at who was actually going on the course. to his sheer amazement he found out that only 3 people from our company were going and that the 4th person was a freind of idiot-tech-boss that doesn't even work here. idiot-tech-boss is using his, and the companies training budget, to send his friends on courses.
the tech guy that found all this out didn't know what to do so he told me. he wanted to take it to a department head and obviously can't go to his own department head with this. i told him i would get to the bottom of this and would find out if this had all been authorised and why.
there is no way i am going to let this kind of thing slide. even if i wasn't leaving, which i might be quite soon, i would still escalate it. i am not scared of idiot-tech-boss and i would love to hear his explanation of all this. HR girl is supposed to be sending me an explanation on tuesday. if she doesn't, i am going to the managing director to find out if he knows he is paying for other peoples courses that don't work here. a shocking state of affairs if you aske me.
anyways, the passion of the christ is on tv tonight at 9pm. had a pizza and it should have digested before the film starts, because it is the most violent stomach churning film i have ever seen. it makes reservoir dogs look like sesame street. i hope some old folks aren't expecting to tune in tonight to watch a nice film about jesus on the easter weekend, because gramps might be in for a bit of a shock!.
today i have mostly been listening to
the killers - all the things that i have done. its from their first album, hot fuss, which is miles better than the new one.
i am the equivalent of the janitor here. i have been at this company longer than anyone else and i know everyone here and a lot about them.
last week i found out some stuff about idiot-tech boss. anyone that has read this blog will know i have a severe dislike for him. its nothing personal. i just don't like people that are lazy and incompetent and that have an overblown sense of importance.
spending 60% of your departments training budget on yourself on trips to california and spain is not what i call good team management, especially as there are some good people in his department that haven't been on a course in years.
asking for a new laptop every year because you want a new toy is not something that i like.
bringing in your own personal phone bills and putting them through expenses is something i disagree with.
complaining about the brand of coffee and peanut butter we have in the office, shows me he has trivial things on his mind, whilst some of us have some more pressing issues.
sneaking out to the gym for 2 hours every afternoon is not something i would think of doing. i go the gym AFTER work not DURING.
along with this catologue of waste i heard about a new thing he has pulled. he has booked a course for 4 people in his department to go on. he got the company to pay for it and all seemed well. one of the guys in his team wanted to go on it but was told all the places were taken up. he was kind of dissapointed but accepted it. he then decided to look at who was actually going on the course. to his sheer amazement he found out that only 3 people from our company were going and that the 4th person was a freind of idiot-tech-boss that doesn't even work here. idiot-tech-boss is using his, and the companies training budget, to send his friends on courses.
the tech guy that found all this out didn't know what to do so he told me. he wanted to take it to a department head and obviously can't go to his own department head with this. i told him i would get to the bottom of this and would find out if this had all been authorised and why.
there is no way i am going to let this kind of thing slide. even if i wasn't leaving, which i might be quite soon, i would still escalate it. i am not scared of idiot-tech-boss and i would love to hear his explanation of all this. HR girl is supposed to be sending me an explanation on tuesday. if she doesn't, i am going to the managing director to find out if he knows he is paying for other peoples courses that don't work here. a shocking state of affairs if you aske me.
anyways, the passion of the christ is on tv tonight at 9pm. had a pizza and it should have digested before the film starts, because it is the most violent stomach churning film i have ever seen. it makes reservoir dogs look like sesame street. i hope some old folks aren't expecting to tune in tonight to watch a nice film about jesus on the easter weekend, because gramps might be in for a bit of a shock!.
today i have mostly been listening to
the killers - all the things that i have done. its from their first album, hot fuss, which is miles better than the new one.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
high
i am always hopeful about leaving this place. somedays i have a lot of hope and lots of times in the past nothing has happened out of various circumstances, but i have always had hope.
at this moment hopes are as high as they have ever been. its going to be a bit of a rollercoaster over the next couple of weeks as various things are coming to a conclusion.
football tonight as its been moved a day earlier because of the easter holiday. its a 4 day weekend. i think i will go to the gym, see some friends and study for what is coming up next week.
today i have mostly been listening to stereophonics - superman. i really like the first half minute of that song and all the talking excerpts and then the guitar kicks in.
take care everyone.
at this moment hopes are as high as they have ever been. its going to be a bit of a rollercoaster over the next couple of weeks as various things are coming to a conclusion.
football tonight as its been moved a day earlier because of the easter holiday. its a 4 day weekend. i think i will go to the gym, see some friends and study for what is coming up next week.
today i have mostly been listening to stereophonics - superman. i really like the first half minute of that song and all the talking excerpts and then the guitar kicks in.
take care everyone.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
today
took a sicky today because i had a lot of appointments across the city to do with getting a new job. i have a very expensive personal organiser with tonnes of memory and big colour screen and bluetooth and wifi and it can play music and it can play video and it has games and its such a hassle that i decided to scrawl down everything on paper and take that instead. below is my intinerary that i was following today, at the end of which i have been called back for a second interview on one of the places i saw today and i am waiting to hear back about a couple more.
today i have mostly been listening to chris cornell - be yourself (live acoustic version recorded in sweden).
today i have mostly been listening to chris cornell - be yourself (live acoustic version recorded in sweden).
Monday, April 02, 2007
soul mine
i visited a coal mine when i went on holiday. met some really nice people and it opened my eyes as to what other people do for a living.
it was a cool evening and we drove to the mine which was nestled into the bottom of a mountain. we did not really have permission to go there but we blagged our way in. i think the guy on the door thought we were important judging by our clean clothes and nice car and he let us in. we drove in and we just went up to the foreman and asked if we could have a look round and go into the mine. he was happy to show us round.
around the mine there was a commune of houses were the families of those that worked there lived. there were kids running round in the dirt playing and kicking a ball around. it was getting cold but some of the little children were running around barefoot and laughing.
we met some people coming off one of their 8 hour shifts and walking back up through the tunnel. one of the guys coming up looked like he was still a teenager of about 17 or 18 and all their faces were blackened with coal dust and they all looked very tired. the foreman told us the mine was operational 24 hours a day and that it went down 4000 feet, which is about a kilometre. we only walked about 250m into the mine. the foreman told us that the mine workers got paid by the tonne of coal they produced but that the mine owners would always fiddle it and say they had produced less than they had and would then pay them less. he told us that the average wage was about £100 ($190) a month.
in parts of the tunner you could see where it had collapsed and they had propped it up with timber. it all looked very dangerous and the foreman said that there was a danger of explosions as well and that people had died there.
you hear about people working in harsh conditions and you see it on tv. most of the world lives in poverty. millions are dying across latin america, asia, and africa, and millions more are just trying to keep their heads above water and are doing hard manual work for very little money. it has an effect on you and changes you, when you see it with your own eyes. like mum always said to, "you can't learn everything from a book". too true ma!.
somethings you have to see and experience things. i am not sure what i learnt but i know it really changed me in some way. too much inequality in the world. these people deserve to have the chances that i had and yet most people in the world don't and will never have that and be stuck in a cycle of poverty that their children and grandchildren will struggle to escape from.
we didn't talk too much on the way home. the car was quiet and sombre as we made our way back from the mountains.
it was a cool evening and we drove to the mine which was nestled into the bottom of a mountain. we did not really have permission to go there but we blagged our way in. i think the guy on the door thought we were important judging by our clean clothes and nice car and he let us in. we drove in and we just went up to the foreman and asked if we could have a look round and go into the mine. he was happy to show us round.
around the mine there was a commune of houses were the families of those that worked there lived. there were kids running round in the dirt playing and kicking a ball around. it was getting cold but some of the little children were running around barefoot and laughing.
we met some people coming off one of their 8 hour shifts and walking back up through the tunnel. one of the guys coming up looked like he was still a teenager of about 17 or 18 and all their faces were blackened with coal dust and they all looked very tired. the foreman told us the mine was operational 24 hours a day and that it went down 4000 feet, which is about a kilometre. we only walked about 250m into the mine. the foreman told us that the mine workers got paid by the tonne of coal they produced but that the mine owners would always fiddle it and say they had produced less than they had and would then pay them less. he told us that the average wage was about £100 ($190) a month.
in parts of the tunner you could see where it had collapsed and they had propped it up with timber. it all looked very dangerous and the foreman said that there was a danger of explosions as well and that people had died there.
you hear about people working in harsh conditions and you see it on tv. most of the world lives in poverty. millions are dying across latin america, asia, and africa, and millions more are just trying to keep their heads above water and are doing hard manual work for very little money. it has an effect on you and changes you, when you see it with your own eyes. like mum always said to, "you can't learn everything from a book". too true ma!.
somethings you have to see and experience things. i am not sure what i learnt but i know it really changed me in some way. too much inequality in the world. these people deserve to have the chances that i had and yet most people in the world don't and will never have that and be stuck in a cycle of poverty that their children and grandchildren will struggle to escape from.
we didn't talk too much on the way home. the car was quiet and sombre as we made our way back from the mountains.
Friday, March 30, 2007
don't panic
some more pics from my holiday that i haven't posted before. these were all taken on various flights i took a couple of weeks ago. i didn't have the best day at work today. i should remember that its still a beautiful world and we just have to remember to open our eyes sometimes and see more than what is in front of us at the time.
today i have mostly been listening to coldplay - don't panic
today i have mostly been listening to coldplay - don't panic
Monday, March 26, 2007
please please please
too much to do. too fucking much. when are people round here going to start to think for themselves and show some initiative. i can not wait to leave all you people behind. i can not wait to go somewhere where they let you do your job instead of constantly interrupting me and giving me their problems which they are employed to solve.
we have had an issue with a site that the senior techies have been constantly bouncing back to our team. we have tested it exhaustively and we have found that the issue is with a particular application they are using. i have even demonstrated where it works and where it breaks down, but the senior techies simply don't want to deal with it. in the meatime the site has been down for nearly 3 weeks and i am getting so much grief its not true. i got angry with the senior techies yesterday and said in a slightly raised voice
"they are obviously learning nothing on their courses in california, florida and barcelona"
at which point they decided to get on the case and it was fixed in 10 minutes later. they were shamed into doing some work, and besides, i know that the guy who was supposed to be fixing this problem but didn't want to, had just been booked to go to tech-ed in orlando, florida. he thought it was a good time to do a little bit of work before too many people started asking questions.
he did then however, decide to blame the whole issue on a junior developer we have here who is just out of university. the junior is in his first job and has only been here a few months and so is not brave enough to defend himself against his boss and the management here, so i thought i would have a quick chat with the MD to let him know what really happened as opposed to untruthful version of events he was likely to get from the other 2 techies who should have fixed it weeks ago, if only they could have been bothered to spend a few minutes looking at it.
as i am going to be leaving very soon and i don't care about playing office politics because i know i won't have to work with these people for much longer, i feel its up to me more than anyone to speak up when i see something wrong and also to defend people that i think are being unjustly blamed for things. no one else will speak up for them because they are all scared of the bosses or scared of losing their jobs. i am not and it gives me a sense of freedom and it feels great.
i said it in the first couple of months of this blog and i will say it again. everyone gets found out in the end. when i leave all these highly paid chumps who paint themselves as important and knowledgeable people, they will get found out for what they really are. incompetent.
please please please get me out of here soon. i have 2 planned interviews next week.
today i have mostly been listening to bloc party - i still remember. a wicked tune. its sounds great in the sunshine. i didn't go to the gym on sunday which is a rare occurence. i shall go after work tonight to work out some of my frustration. i can then leave it behind at the gym and go home mellow, which is what i usually am.
we have had an issue with a site that the senior techies have been constantly bouncing back to our team. we have tested it exhaustively and we have found that the issue is with a particular application they are using. i have even demonstrated where it works and where it breaks down, but the senior techies simply don't want to deal with it. in the meatime the site has been down for nearly 3 weeks and i am getting so much grief its not true. i got angry with the senior techies yesterday and said in a slightly raised voice
"they are obviously learning nothing on their courses in california, florida and barcelona"
at which point they decided to get on the case and it was fixed in 10 minutes later. they were shamed into doing some work, and besides, i know that the guy who was supposed to be fixing this problem but didn't want to, had just been booked to go to tech-ed in orlando, florida. he thought it was a good time to do a little bit of work before too many people started asking questions.
he did then however, decide to blame the whole issue on a junior developer we have here who is just out of university. the junior is in his first job and has only been here a few months and so is not brave enough to defend himself against his boss and the management here, so i thought i would have a quick chat with the MD to let him know what really happened as opposed to untruthful version of events he was likely to get from the other 2 techies who should have fixed it weeks ago, if only they could have been bothered to spend a few minutes looking at it.
as i am going to be leaving very soon and i don't care about playing office politics because i know i won't have to work with these people for much longer, i feel its up to me more than anyone to speak up when i see something wrong and also to defend people that i think are being unjustly blamed for things. no one else will speak up for them because they are all scared of the bosses or scared of losing their jobs. i am not and it gives me a sense of freedom and it feels great.
i said it in the first couple of months of this blog and i will say it again. everyone gets found out in the end. when i leave all these highly paid chumps who paint themselves as important and knowledgeable people, they will get found out for what they really are. incompetent.
please please please get me out of here soon. i have 2 planned interviews next week.
today i have mostly been listening to bloc party - i still remember. a wicked tune. its sounds great in the sunshine. i didn't go to the gym on sunday which is a rare occurence. i shall go after work tonight to work out some of my frustration. i can then leave it behind at the gym and go home mellow, which is what i usually am.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Terrible Lie
man, has this week flown by or what?!. so busy its just been insane. there is far too much work to do and there aren't enough hours in the day. still, i can handle it. i have some holiday high left deep in my soul and i can call on it when things look like they will get on top of me and there is no way out from under the mountain of work to do. i am working on a very big project at the moment and am in the planning stages. its a nightmare and it will need to be carried out in about 2-3 months, which is why i have trying even harder to get out of here, so i won't be the one that has to do it then. oh man, if i resign before then my MD is going to be so pissed off with me its not even true. oh well, its just one of those things.
with regards to this project our MD wanted to really push it before we had all the specifications. i was very reluctant and made it known that we should wait. i told it to one of our other directors as well that i thought we should wait. i don't know what they were thinking because they went ahead with it before all the information was in and maybe they just thought i was stalling it because i didn't want to do it or something, which was not the case at all. anyways, a couple of weeks down the line we are in the position we are in now where we will have to redo everything and it could cost us about £75,000 ($140,000) to do it again when if they had listened to me it could have been done for about £10,000 ( $19,000 ). oh dear.
i suppose i am just annoyed with the fact that it is my responsibility to get these kinds of projects delivered and to give advice based on what i know and my experience, and yet i get over ruled and the project is made far more difficult and yet they still expect it all to be done. its just gets a little annoying after a while.
clocks go forward this weekend and we will get brighter evenings. summer will be coming to london in the very near future and its going to be great. had football last night after missing the last 3 weeks because of holiday, nine incha nails and ....er.......going to a bar with my friends last week. felt ok even though i hadn't done much running for nearly a month and we only got a 45 minute slot last night but we are back to 1 hour games next week. late night football between 10pm and 11pm from next week just as we come into summer.
extra long sessions at the gym recently and will carry on with them from now on. i used to only do about an hour but i have been doing nearly 2 hours each time since i got back from holiday and they are very good and i feel great afterwards. you shrink back down to normal after a few hours but for a while afterwards you are pumped up like arnold scwarzennegger. i exagerate a little, but you know what i mean. :-)
oh, and i am going to start revising for another exam this week. i feel restless and i have had a break from studying these last few months. i feel the need to go back and do some more. i wish i had studied this hard when i was at school. i got decent exam results and went to university and did engineering, but i didn't study as hard as i do now. i suppose i didn't have the self discipline at the time and also there were a lot of distractions at the time. its ok, i don't regret it. i had the best time at school and i still see some of my friends from back then and we always still have as much of a laugh. only difference is its not every day because we are at work, or in the army, or wherever...... .
i also got some new computer equipment and might set it all up this weekend at home and make a nice environment to study in so i have no excuse not to.
today i have mostly been listening to nine inch nails - terrible lie, from the 'all that could have been', live album. its awesome.
have a lovely weekend. till the next time.
with regards to this project our MD wanted to really push it before we had all the specifications. i was very reluctant and made it known that we should wait. i told it to one of our other directors as well that i thought we should wait. i don't know what they were thinking because they went ahead with it before all the information was in and maybe they just thought i was stalling it because i didn't want to do it or something, which was not the case at all. anyways, a couple of weeks down the line we are in the position we are in now where we will have to redo everything and it could cost us about £75,000 ($140,000) to do it again when if they had listened to me it could have been done for about £10,000 ( $19,000 ). oh dear.
i suppose i am just annoyed with the fact that it is my responsibility to get these kinds of projects delivered and to give advice based on what i know and my experience, and yet i get over ruled and the project is made far more difficult and yet they still expect it all to be done. its just gets a little annoying after a while.
clocks go forward this weekend and we will get brighter evenings. summer will be coming to london in the very near future and its going to be great. had football last night after missing the last 3 weeks because of holiday, nine incha nails and ....er.......going to a bar with my friends last week. felt ok even though i hadn't done much running for nearly a month and we only got a 45 minute slot last night but we are back to 1 hour games next week. late night football between 10pm and 11pm from next week just as we come into summer.
extra long sessions at the gym recently and will carry on with them from now on. i used to only do about an hour but i have been doing nearly 2 hours each time since i got back from holiday and they are very good and i feel great afterwards. you shrink back down to normal after a few hours but for a while afterwards you are pumped up like arnold scwarzennegger. i exagerate a little, but you know what i mean. :-)
oh, and i am going to start revising for another exam this week. i feel restless and i have had a break from studying these last few months. i feel the need to go back and do some more. i wish i had studied this hard when i was at school. i got decent exam results and went to university and did engineering, but i didn't study as hard as i do now. i suppose i didn't have the self discipline at the time and also there were a lot of distractions at the time. its ok, i don't regret it. i had the best time at school and i still see some of my friends from back then and we always still have as much of a laugh. only difference is its not every day because we are at work, or in the army, or wherever...... .
i also got some new computer equipment and might set it all up this weekend at home and make a nice environment to study in so i have no excuse not to.
today i have mostly been listening to nine inch nails - terrible lie, from the 'all that could have been', live album. its awesome.
have a lovely weekend. till the next time.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
40 miles from the Sun
anyone that knows me knows that i like my music. i used to buy cds, but i hardly ever do that now and the last cd i bought was editors and that was for a friend of mine. i tend to download everything from the internet now. its cheap (free) and convenient and you can get whole discographies of bands. i while back i downloaded 4 albums by the band, Bush. their debut album was called sixteen stone and is one of my favourite albums ever, and so i decided to get the rest of them. i gave them a quick listen but i ended up listening mostly to sixteen stone.
a couple of days ago i decided to go through some of their albums and i found a great song. don't you love it when you find a song buried deep in your collection that you had overlooked and then discover. anyway the song is called 40 miles from the sun, and its on the album, the science of things. its a wicked song.
thats all. just wanted to check in and let you all know i am still alive. its been freezing in london town this week, but i think this will be the last of it. clocks go forward this weekend and spring will make an appearance. will take my bike in for a service in the next week or so. she is feeling a little tired after winter of riding and so she needs freshening up a bit. i could do with a service myself. extra long session in the gym with a long sauna and steam room session afterwards me thinks.
had an ok day at work today for the first time in quite a while. i spent most of it with a cisco consultant going through router configurations. its quite dull and tedious but it was just so nice to be able to work on one thing and not be constantly disturbed. i managed to achieve something today and that is very rarely the case for me. i also had a lot of phone calls about jobs. i won't say anymore as i said i wouldn't talk about it too much but there are a few things on the go, as there always are. after days like today it would be easy to question and change my mind about leaving but we all know that today is an exception and not the norm. i shall not fool myself into believing things are ok.
i bought some new minidiscs from an online store. they are white TDK minidsics with really nice painted designs on them in various colours. they arrived today and i think they look the shit! (see below). i know minidisc is something that didn;t take off in europe or america but they are still going strong in japan and i think they are very good. i listen to mine a lot and i have a minidisc walkman and a minidisc stereo. i am with those cool kids in japan when it comes to minidisc.
have a lovely day. don't work too hard.
a couple of days ago i decided to go through some of their albums and i found a great song. don't you love it when you find a song buried deep in your collection that you had overlooked and then discover. anyway the song is called 40 miles from the sun, and its on the album, the science of things. its a wicked song.
thats all. just wanted to check in and let you all know i am still alive. its been freezing in london town this week, but i think this will be the last of it. clocks go forward this weekend and spring will make an appearance. will take my bike in for a service in the next week or so. she is feeling a little tired after winter of riding and so she needs freshening up a bit. i could do with a service myself. extra long session in the gym with a long sauna and steam room session afterwards me thinks.
had an ok day at work today for the first time in quite a while. i spent most of it with a cisco consultant going through router configurations. its quite dull and tedious but it was just so nice to be able to work on one thing and not be constantly disturbed. i managed to achieve something today and that is very rarely the case for me. i also had a lot of phone calls about jobs. i won't say anymore as i said i wouldn't talk about it too much but there are a few things on the go, as there always are. after days like today it would be easy to question and change my mind about leaving but we all know that today is an exception and not the norm. i shall not fool myself into believing things are ok.
i bought some new minidiscs from an online store. they are white TDK minidsics with really nice painted designs on them in various colours. they arrived today and i think they look the shit! (see below). i know minidisc is something that didn;t take off in europe or america but they are still going strong in japan and i think they are very good. i listen to mine a lot and i have a minidisc walkman and a minidisc stereo. i am with those cool kids in japan when it comes to minidisc.
have a lovely day. don't work too hard.
Friday, March 09, 2007
NIN
saw nine inch nails last night and they were absolutely amazing. trent reznor had the place jumping and was awesome. when he sang closer, the place went wild. last time i saw him he didn't say a word between songs and this time he didn't either apart from near the end, when he said he loved coming to london and when he saw how many people had come tonight to see him play, he said he felt like the luckiest man in the world. those of us that were there were also very lucky to witness such a show. trent reznor, i salute you, sir.
a thoroughly enjoyable evening to make me forget about work completely. things are getting bad round here. am still chilled but i think the idea of just quitting is sounding very appealing. i don't need the money and its so nice being able to get to sleep at night these last few days. the stress will come in the next few days and weeks and then i will be back to a permanant headache and tiredness. i don't feel like i need this right now. am seriously considering just walking and i think it would be a relief if i did so. i have a stack of cash saved up right now and so it wouldn't be a problem and since coming back from holiday i am even more hopeful than before. its just that i want a change so much and i don't know exactly what i want, but i do know that i don't want this. don't think that i am down or upset at the moment and that is what is making me thinking of leaving. in fact, its quite the opposite. its because i feel so good for not having been here for a week, that makes me want to leave. something is going to turn up soon. it just depends on whether i will have resigned before then or after then.
in the meantime i have been talking to agents and there are some things on the go at the moment. will see how they pan out.
today i have mostly been listening to closer by nine inch nails.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
it started with a death
so i am back from my break of a week and a half and i feel very well. it was lovely to get away from the routine for a while. having returned and gone back to work, i wish i was still away from here.
it also made me realise how fortunate i am after seeing and hearing about a few things on my holiday that happened to other people. some of it was pretty bad for those involved but i was just on the sidelines and felt grateful it wasn't me involved.
one incident was someone died on the plane right behind me. i was taking an internal flight and i went to get my seat but someone was sitting in it. it was an old guy about 90 and i said "its cool gramps, i will take your seat at the back of the plane", or words to that effect. i got to the back of the plane and i was in the last row of seats. behind me was a stretcher where a lady was laying on, and she had an oxygen mask and a drip in her arm. she looked in a really bad way and her 2 sons, in their late teens, and early 20's, along with her husband were tending to her. i could hear her mumbling as her head was just behine my seat, and she was saying she was uncomfortable and wanted to be moved on her side. i could hear her son saying "its ok ma, i will move you shortly".
he couldn't really move her too much though as she was hooked up to the equipment.
anyways, the plane takes off and i could hear she was in a real discomfort as the plane climbed. her sons, were trying to comfort her and then about 20 minutes into the flight it went silent except for the sound of her youngest son who burst into tears. there was a bit of a commotion but she died and when i looked over again i could saw her husband put a cloth over her face. both of the sons were crying and there dad was saying, "its ok son, she is in heaven now". the plane carried on for about another hour and it was very quiet and sombre at the back. i don't mind saying that i had a lump in my throat and started welling up a little as well. it was a sad thing to see and especially sad to see her die in front of her sons. her husband showed me a picture of his wife that he had taken a few weeks earlier when she had gone to hospital and she looked like a normal, healthy woman in her late 40's or 50's. he told me she had terminal lung cancer in both lungs and that she was uncurable.
it was a very sad episode indeed.
it just made me feel fortunate it wasn't me and the rest of my holiday was good. i like going away to break the routine. i get the same train everyday and i go to the same building. it gets just so boring and i yearn for a break from the routine after a while.
i also want to see whats happening somewhere else with other people and don't want to to think about servers and networks and firewalls because there are things far more important than that and far more important than me. i know that everytime i have been away it has changed me in some way and for the better even when it hasn't necessarily been a good thing at the time, whether it was something like the woman passing away on the plane, or when my flight got cancelled and i couldn't make my connection, or when i had to drive through the night in france and nearly crashed but i didn't. all these things and other things have been an experience from which i have learned something and have opened my eyes a little more, than if i had stayed at home or work just fixing silly computer problems all the time.
i also got to thinking that maybe the time was coming near that clint stallone might be leaving us. i was thinking i might do away with him at some point when his usefulness diminishes.
anyway, below are some pictures of mountains and deserts. i love being in the mountains. its so quiet and calm and it makes me feel so small to be surrounded by such unimaginably big objects like that. we appear strangely vulnerable standing amongst them. am off to see nine inch nails tonight. byeee.
it also made me realise how fortunate i am after seeing and hearing about a few things on my holiday that happened to other people. some of it was pretty bad for those involved but i was just on the sidelines and felt grateful it wasn't me involved.
one incident was someone died on the plane right behind me. i was taking an internal flight and i went to get my seat but someone was sitting in it. it was an old guy about 90 and i said "its cool gramps, i will take your seat at the back of the plane", or words to that effect. i got to the back of the plane and i was in the last row of seats. behind me was a stretcher where a lady was laying on, and she had an oxygen mask and a drip in her arm. she looked in a really bad way and her 2 sons, in their late teens, and early 20's, along with her husband were tending to her. i could hear her mumbling as her head was just behine my seat, and she was saying she was uncomfortable and wanted to be moved on her side. i could hear her son saying "its ok ma, i will move you shortly".
he couldn't really move her too much though as she was hooked up to the equipment.
anyways, the plane takes off and i could hear she was in a real discomfort as the plane climbed. her sons, were trying to comfort her and then about 20 minutes into the flight it went silent except for the sound of her youngest son who burst into tears. there was a bit of a commotion but she died and when i looked over again i could saw her husband put a cloth over her face. both of the sons were crying and there dad was saying, "its ok son, she is in heaven now". the plane carried on for about another hour and it was very quiet and sombre at the back. i don't mind saying that i had a lump in my throat and started welling up a little as well. it was a sad thing to see and especially sad to see her die in front of her sons. her husband showed me a picture of his wife that he had taken a few weeks earlier when she had gone to hospital and she looked like a normal, healthy woman in her late 40's or 50's. he told me she had terminal lung cancer in both lungs and that she was uncurable.
it was a very sad episode indeed.
it just made me feel fortunate it wasn't me and the rest of my holiday was good. i like going away to break the routine. i get the same train everyday and i go to the same building. it gets just so boring and i yearn for a break from the routine after a while.
i also want to see whats happening somewhere else with other people and don't want to to think about servers and networks and firewalls because there are things far more important than that and far more important than me. i know that everytime i have been away it has changed me in some way and for the better even when it hasn't necessarily been a good thing at the time, whether it was something like the woman passing away on the plane, or when my flight got cancelled and i couldn't make my connection, or when i had to drive through the night in france and nearly crashed but i didn't. all these things and other things have been an experience from which i have learned something and have opened my eyes a little more, than if i had stayed at home or work just fixing silly computer problems all the time.
i also got to thinking that maybe the time was coming near that clint stallone might be leaving us. i was thinking i might do away with him at some point when his usefulness diminishes.
anyway, below are some pictures of mountains and deserts. i love being in the mountains. its so quiet and calm and it makes me feel so small to be surrounded by such unimaginably big objects like that. we appear strangely vulnerable standing amongst them. am off to see nine inch nails tonight. byeee.
Friday, February 23, 2007
ciao
last day at work before my holiday. everyone has gone and people have been coming by my desk wishing me a good holiday. i feel relaxed already and it feels great. will do my packing tonight or tomorrow which usually takes me about 15 minutes. after all those trips to new york i have got it down to a fine art and it takes me no time or hassle.
will get my haircut tomorrow after the gym and then i fly away around 9pm on sunday night. it will be a very long night and it won't be till the afternoon of the next day that i will get there. i don't mind and i think the journeys are just as much part of the holiday as anything you do when you get there.
will have my music with me and a couple of books to keep me company as well.
just applied to a load more jobs tonight. hopefully will come back to some sort of response from a couple of them by the time i get back. i might also go on a course when i get back, but it costs 2 grand. my work is going to be slow so i am considering paying for it myself and taking some more holiday to go on it. i don't know. will see what its like when i get back. will definitely be in a better frame of mind and refreshed and re-motivated.
take care, especially you in so-cal.
today i have mostly been listening to the pet shop boys - home and dry.
will get my haircut tomorrow after the gym and then i fly away around 9pm on sunday night. it will be a very long night and it won't be till the afternoon of the next day that i will get there. i don't mind and i think the journeys are just as much part of the holiday as anything you do when you get there.
will have my music with me and a couple of books to keep me company as well.
just applied to a load more jobs tonight. hopefully will come back to some sort of response from a couple of them by the time i get back. i might also go on a course when i get back, but it costs 2 grand. my work is going to be slow so i am considering paying for it myself and taking some more holiday to go on it. i don't know. will see what its like when i get back. will definitely be in a better frame of mind and refreshed and re-motivated.
take care, especially you in so-cal.
today i have mostly been listening to the pet shop boys - home and dry.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
train of thought
this job hunting thing is turning into a longer more painful exercise than i first anticipated. as i stood on the train on my way home this evening i kind of thought about what the hell i was doing and why i would go through with leaving my secure, relatively well paid job (£52,000 a year) and risk something new?. why would i put myself through the mental strain and all this hassle?.
things are very difficult at work these days and my only motivation is to leave and not the work that i am doing. its very hard to put in effort when you are thinking of the next job. i spend most evenings firing off my cv and getting lots of rejections. i kind of thought that i had given it a good effort at finding something (4 months of looking), and maybe i should call an end to my search and just make the best of what i have.
....and then i thought fuck that!. i won't stop looking till i find what i want. i don't have to compromise yet and why should i. i have the will and my ego is not so big that it wounds me fatally to be rejected repeatedy. its not about money and its not about some overblown sense of importance.
its simply that i have an ambition and its something i want to do. i am free to chose my destiny and i know that i might get a new job and that it might not be all that i imagined, but thats not a reason to not try. if we thought things wouldn't work out then we would never do anything.
its going to be a rollercoaster over the next few weeks and months, but it has to be done. life can get a bit dull and this is definitely making the days eventful. i am not sure i will write about this whole job hunt thing much more as i think my posts are getting a bit repetitive. i had an interview, i had another interview, i had another interview and they didn't offer me the job. not much else to say and you can safely assume that even though i won't be talking about it much, that is what will be going on till i post otherwise.
if you were on the train tonight and you saw some guy standing by the door tapping his fingers to the beat of the song playing on his headphones, and smiling to himself,but looking pensive, it was me. i was just figuring some things out. :-)
today i have mostly been listening to angels and airwaves - the adventure. it certainly will be......
....oh and i am gong away for a break. a week and half away from work is going to be lovely and i fly away on sunday. will post again before i leave if anything big happens, but otherwise i will post again in a couple of weeks when i get back. am seeing nine inch nails at brixton academy the day after i get back. its going to awesome.
on holiday i will be mostly be out and about, cycling and hiking in the mountains. i willl also mostly be reading the graves are not yet full - race, tribe and power in the heart of africa. i starting reading it in new york last year and i didn't finish it, partly because i got caught in a thunderstorm one evening and i got soaked and my bag got soaked and the book got soaked. its all dried out now so time to give it another go, but you can see the cover is little warped after getting wet. man i have been caught in some rainstorms but nothing as bad as that day. i couldn't have been any wetter if i had jumped in a swimming pool with all my clothes on.
goodbye
things are very difficult at work these days and my only motivation is to leave and not the work that i am doing. its very hard to put in effort when you are thinking of the next job. i spend most evenings firing off my cv and getting lots of rejections. i kind of thought that i had given it a good effort at finding something (4 months of looking), and maybe i should call an end to my search and just make the best of what i have.
....and then i thought fuck that!. i won't stop looking till i find what i want. i don't have to compromise yet and why should i. i have the will and my ego is not so big that it wounds me fatally to be rejected repeatedy. its not about money and its not about some overblown sense of importance.
its simply that i have an ambition and its something i want to do. i am free to chose my destiny and i know that i might get a new job and that it might not be all that i imagined, but thats not a reason to not try. if we thought things wouldn't work out then we would never do anything.
its going to be a rollercoaster over the next few weeks and months, but it has to be done. life can get a bit dull and this is definitely making the days eventful. i am not sure i will write about this whole job hunt thing much more as i think my posts are getting a bit repetitive. i had an interview, i had another interview, i had another interview and they didn't offer me the job. not much else to say and you can safely assume that even though i won't be talking about it much, that is what will be going on till i post otherwise.
if you were on the train tonight and you saw some guy standing by the door tapping his fingers to the beat of the song playing on his headphones, and smiling to himself,but looking pensive, it was me. i was just figuring some things out. :-)
today i have mostly been listening to angels and airwaves - the adventure. it certainly will be......
....oh and i am gong away for a break. a week and half away from work is going to be lovely and i fly away on sunday. will post again before i leave if anything big happens, but otherwise i will post again in a couple of weeks when i get back. am seeing nine inch nails at brixton academy the day after i get back. its going to awesome.
on holiday i will be mostly be out and about, cycling and hiking in the mountains. i willl also mostly be reading the graves are not yet full - race, tribe and power in the heart of africa. i starting reading it in new york last year and i didn't finish it, partly because i got caught in a thunderstorm one evening and i got soaked and my bag got soaked and the book got soaked. its all dried out now so time to give it another go, but you can see the cover is little warped after getting wet. man i have been caught in some rainstorms but nothing as bad as that day. i couldn't have been any wetter if i had jumped in a swimming pool with all my clothes on.
goodbye
Monday, February 19, 2007
migraine
pulled a sicky today because i had the worst headache in the history of headaches. it started last night and kept me up most of the night and by the time morning came round i had hardly slept at all and it was still pounding away. i thought screw it, i ain't going into to work. been meaning to pull a sicky ever since i noticed that i had taken the least amount of sick days out of anyone in the company. i took 2 in the whole of 2006 and usually am the type of person to go to work when an unwell.
on the job front, i decided to call up an agent about that place that interviewed me twice and was waiting to hear back if i got into the 3rd round. the agent said that they wanted someone who could start in 2 weeks and whether i would be able to get out of my job in 2 weeks. i said i would ask, but it was kind of difficult and awkward to ask that kind of thing, especially as i didn't know if there was an offer coming. if i have a conversation with the boss man about my notice period he is definitely going to know i am looking to go. the agent said that was ok, and he said he would find out what the situation was with the 3rd interview. i also called my friend who is the HR manager and asked what she thought the likelihood of me getting out early was. she seemed to think i could bail out in 3 weeks and maybe 2, if they owed me holiday. they don't owe me holiday but i was considering cancelling my holiday next week, if it could get me out of there earlier.
later the agent rang me back and said he had got me a 3rd interview tomorrow (tuesday) at 4pm. things seemed to be moving forward, but then a couple of hours later, the agent called me back saying the interview would need to be cancelled and rescheduled for later. AAAAaaagghhhh!!!!!. this is all such an ordeal its not even true. part of me is thinking to cancel my holiday but with every passing day, i feel the need to take a hoiday is increasing and i really do need to get away from this whole situation.
i think its going to be a crazy week and i don't know if i will fly away on sunday or not. i really hope i do fly away and get a break. i need to see some mountains and fresh air.
in other news, i am going to see cage fighting at wembley arena in april. its supposed to be brutal and nasty and usually not the kind of thing i would go to see, but i know one of the guys that is fighting and so a bunch of us are going to support him.
he was a a few years younger than most of us, and he used to play football with us a few years back. i haven't seen him in in years mainly because he kind of fell in with the wrong crowd and then spent some time in jail. when you are a skinny 23 year old in jail, you toughen up quick and he started doing weight training, since coming out he has started cage fighting, and is also a bouncer at nightclubs.
one of the guys from football still keeps in touch with him and we are all going to see him fight. never been before so i might as well see what its like. had never been to a death metal concert till a few weeks ago and that turned out to be ok.
on the job front, i decided to call up an agent about that place that interviewed me twice and was waiting to hear back if i got into the 3rd round. the agent said that they wanted someone who could start in 2 weeks and whether i would be able to get out of my job in 2 weeks. i said i would ask, but it was kind of difficult and awkward to ask that kind of thing, especially as i didn't know if there was an offer coming. if i have a conversation with the boss man about my notice period he is definitely going to know i am looking to go. the agent said that was ok, and he said he would find out what the situation was with the 3rd interview. i also called my friend who is the HR manager and asked what she thought the likelihood of me getting out early was. she seemed to think i could bail out in 3 weeks and maybe 2, if they owed me holiday. they don't owe me holiday but i was considering cancelling my holiday next week, if it could get me out of there earlier.
later the agent rang me back and said he had got me a 3rd interview tomorrow (tuesday) at 4pm. things seemed to be moving forward, but then a couple of hours later, the agent called me back saying the interview would need to be cancelled and rescheduled for later. AAAAaaagghhhh!!!!!. this is all such an ordeal its not even true. part of me is thinking to cancel my holiday but with every passing day, i feel the need to take a hoiday is increasing and i really do need to get away from this whole situation.
i think its going to be a crazy week and i don't know if i will fly away on sunday or not. i really hope i do fly away and get a break. i need to see some mountains and fresh air.
in other news, i am going to see cage fighting at wembley arena in april. its supposed to be brutal and nasty and usually not the kind of thing i would go to see, but i know one of the guys that is fighting and so a bunch of us are going to support him.
he was a a few years younger than most of us, and he used to play football with us a few years back. i haven't seen him in in years mainly because he kind of fell in with the wrong crowd and then spent some time in jail. when you are a skinny 23 year old in jail, you toughen up quick and he started doing weight training, since coming out he has started cage fighting, and is also a bouncer at nightclubs.
one of the guys from football still keeps in touch with him and we are all going to see him fight. never been before so i might as well see what its like. had never been to a death metal concert till a few weeks ago and that turned out to be ok.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
what you reap
one other result of companies being very slow in responding to candidates after an interview is something i just got a call about. my cv was sent to an asset management company about 2 months ago. i was told that i was a certaintly to get an interview but i didn't end up getting one. i put it out of mind and forgot about it. i just got a call from an agent who sounded panicked asking if he could re-submit my cv to them as the person they did offer the job to, has pulled out and decided to take something else and so they are in the position of having to start their search all over again.
more power to the guy that turned down their offer and took something else. if his experience was anything like mine, where you wait for weeks to get from first interview to second interview to third interview, then i suspect he would have been applying to lots of other things and something better came up. i am waiting to hear back if i get called back for a third interview at a place that interviewed me nearly 2 weeks ago. in the meantime i have been applying to other jobs and if i do get a third interview or an offer from the first place, i would definitely take something else if got offered it, even if i had agreed to join the first place and signed a contract.
when the process gets so drawn out and long, then the comany that is hiring is making problems for themselves as well as pissing off candidates like me. shit, if it takes a couple of months to decide to hire someone then it doesn't show the firm to be efficient and professional.
i have interviewed people for jobs and i have usually made a decision after the interview on whether they were good enough or not. i have never called anyone back that was not suitable, and i have interviewed people and said immediately afterwards that the agent should be told that they would not get it. i didn't hang around for a week thinking it over and then calling them back and then thinking it over some more and then calling them back again and then waiting 4 weeks and then telling them they wouldn't get it, which is what an investment bank did to me. it does make you wonder about the calibre of person interviewing, and whether they know what they want.
when you find someone good, you try and not dick them around too much and you get them back in quick as you can. why would you waste peoples time and risk losing them. i suppose its one of the drawback of these large organisations. oh and with regards to the investment bank that dicked me around for weeks and weeks, i think they are still looking as i have seen job adverts that describe them and what they are looking for. what are the odds that the person they offered it to, decided to blow them out as well.
i had an interview in september last year and i didn't get it. i had a call the other day saying they were still looking for someone. now i might be a chump or i might not. thats open to debate, however you would have thought that surely they would have seen someone good in 5 months. we can't have all been idiots. also if we were a man down here, we would hire someone and do it quickly. there is no way we would be able to survive for 5 months being a man down. when our unix guy went on holiday for 2 weeks that was tough. i can't think of how much we would sturggle had we been in that situation for 5 months.
today i have mostly been listening to angels and airwaves - do it for me now. the whole album is excellent. i listened to it a bit when i first got it and i liked it, but the last few weeks i have started to listen to it a lot more and i am loving it.
more power to the guy that turned down their offer and took something else. if his experience was anything like mine, where you wait for weeks to get from first interview to second interview to third interview, then i suspect he would have been applying to lots of other things and something better came up. i am waiting to hear back if i get called back for a third interview at a place that interviewed me nearly 2 weeks ago. in the meantime i have been applying to other jobs and if i do get a third interview or an offer from the first place, i would definitely take something else if got offered it, even if i had agreed to join the first place and signed a contract.
when the process gets so drawn out and long, then the comany that is hiring is making problems for themselves as well as pissing off candidates like me. shit, if it takes a couple of months to decide to hire someone then it doesn't show the firm to be efficient and professional.
i have interviewed people for jobs and i have usually made a decision after the interview on whether they were good enough or not. i have never called anyone back that was not suitable, and i have interviewed people and said immediately afterwards that the agent should be told that they would not get it. i didn't hang around for a week thinking it over and then calling them back and then thinking it over some more and then calling them back again and then waiting 4 weeks and then telling them they wouldn't get it, which is what an investment bank did to me. it does make you wonder about the calibre of person interviewing, and whether they know what they want.
when you find someone good, you try and not dick them around too much and you get them back in quick as you can. why would you waste peoples time and risk losing them. i suppose its one of the drawback of these large organisations. oh and with regards to the investment bank that dicked me around for weeks and weeks, i think they are still looking as i have seen job adverts that describe them and what they are looking for. what are the odds that the person they offered it to, decided to blow them out as well.
i had an interview in september last year and i didn't get it. i had a call the other day saying they were still looking for someone. now i might be a chump or i might not. thats open to debate, however you would have thought that surely they would have seen someone good in 5 months. we can't have all been idiots. also if we were a man down here, we would hire someone and do it quickly. there is no way we would be able to survive for 5 months being a man down. when our unix guy went on holiday for 2 weeks that was tough. i can't think of how much we would sturggle had we been in that situation for 5 months.
today i have mostly been listening to angels and airwaves - do it for me now. the whole album is excellent. i listened to it a bit when i first got it and i liked it, but the last few weeks i have started to listen to it a lot more and i am loving it.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
8 days
only 8 work days left before i go on holiday and yes, i am counting the days. each day at work now feels like a week and the last few days have been testing to say the least. it feels like i am holding my breath and waiting for something to start. i don't know what it is but just something.
part of me almost wants to get fired from my job. i think it might be a good thing. its not a rational thing and i don't think i would just resign because things aren't that bad and i do get paid well, and i think i would regret it after a couple of weeks once it started costing me a few thousand pounds, but it does make you wonder.
i never thought it would be this difficult to get a new job. i looked around this time last year. i had 2 interviews and 2 job offers. this time i have had 10 interviews at 4 different firms and i only got one offer that i ended up turning down. i don't regret turning it down, but i did think i would have had more offers.
desert and mountains await me in a couple of weeks. i will be miles away from being able to do anything about this whole job thing and thats a good thing. i will return refreshed and ready for another push. faith and hope is still there but it is very hard some days.
today i have mostly been listening to the twang - wide awake.
click on the link and listen to the song on their myspace page. they are a brand new band from birmingham. it sums up perfectly how i feel.
part of me almost wants to get fired from my job. i think it might be a good thing. its not a rational thing and i don't think i would just resign because things aren't that bad and i do get paid well, and i think i would regret it after a couple of weeks once it started costing me a few thousand pounds, but it does make you wonder.
i never thought it would be this difficult to get a new job. i looked around this time last year. i had 2 interviews and 2 job offers. this time i have had 10 interviews at 4 different firms and i only got one offer that i ended up turning down. i don't regret turning it down, but i did think i would have had more offers.
desert and mountains await me in a couple of weeks. i will be miles away from being able to do anything about this whole job thing and thats a good thing. i will return refreshed and ready for another push. faith and hope is still there but it is very hard some days.
today i have mostly been listening to the twang - wide awake.
click on the link and listen to the song on their myspace page. they are a brand new band from birmingham. it sums up perfectly how i feel.
Monday, February 12, 2007
airplane
ticket is in my possesion and will fly away for 10 days on the 25th of february. i get back the day before i am seeing nine inch nails at brixton academy. that is 2 good things to look forward to as we go about the usual routine during the grey late winter days of february. am also looking to make a plan for september to go to new york and maybe san francisco. won't book anything but have it in mind.
still waiting to hear back about a job. they interviewed me over a week ago and they still haven't come back with an answer about whether they want to call me back or even if they want to reject me. it does make you wonder if they really want to hire someone in the first place or is it just a ploy by the people that work there, to make themselves look good. they might be having conversations with their bosses along the lines of......."yes, we have been looking for months but we haven't found anyone that comes up to our very high standards". "good people don't grow on trees and you are very lucky to have us". " how much is my bonus this year?".
all this job hunting is quite draining and its hard to keep up with all the agents and jobs and everything. at the same time, i really don't want to be at work at all. i am just getting by doing what i have to do and keeping my head down as much as possible. its been quite difficult the last couple of weeks. i really hoped i would have been gone by now, or at least in that period of working out my notice, but i am still here and some days its pretty painful just getting through the day.
still, no matter as i am flying far away in just under 2 weeks and who knows what could happen before then. even if nothing happens it will be fine. i am sure i will get something when i get back. i did this last time i was looking for a job. i was really unhappy in my job and i just resigned one day as i just couldn't do it any longer. i then bummed around for a few weeks trying to get a job and nothing happened and i thought to my self, fuck it!, i need to go away, so i went to new york for 2 weeks and stayed with my uncle. i had a call the day i got back to london, about a job and i went to the interview the following day and got offered the job almost on the spot and i have been here ever since.
am supposed to be going to my friends birthday drinks next week but i think i will blow it out. i said i would go when she asked me, but on second thought i don't know why i said that. all her friends are rich trust fund kids that went to private schools and i never have anything to say to them, when i have met them before. she isn't even that good a friend and has only invited me to increase the numbers and make herself look popular. screw that. i think i would rather go out with my 'real' friends or not at all.
right then, i am off to the gym now. i don't usually go on a monday night but i need to unwind a bit and besides, i am going to miss a week and a half when i go on holiday so i might go a bit extra between now and then. not being vain or anything but i have noticed that my body has changed a little over the last few months in particular. i didn't notice any change for the first few months i went to the gym but something has definitely changed the last couple of months. just have to try and keep it going for as long as i can.
i think its because i have been going a lot more regularly since i have been job hunting and its a great stress reliever after being at work all day. i sleep like a baby if i work out really hard as well and so thats another reason to train hard. i think i have been taking out any frustrations at the gym and so whilst all this job hunting is not good for my head its turning out to be good for my body. not all bad then. :-)
today i have mostly been listening to placebo - days before you came.
still waiting to hear back about a job. they interviewed me over a week ago and they still haven't come back with an answer about whether they want to call me back or even if they want to reject me. it does make you wonder if they really want to hire someone in the first place or is it just a ploy by the people that work there, to make themselves look good. they might be having conversations with their bosses along the lines of......."yes, we have been looking for months but we haven't found anyone that comes up to our very high standards". "good people don't grow on trees and you are very lucky to have us". " how much is my bonus this year?".
all this job hunting is quite draining and its hard to keep up with all the agents and jobs and everything. at the same time, i really don't want to be at work at all. i am just getting by doing what i have to do and keeping my head down as much as possible. its been quite difficult the last couple of weeks. i really hoped i would have been gone by now, or at least in that period of working out my notice, but i am still here and some days its pretty painful just getting through the day.
still, no matter as i am flying far away in just under 2 weeks and who knows what could happen before then. even if nothing happens it will be fine. i am sure i will get something when i get back. i did this last time i was looking for a job. i was really unhappy in my job and i just resigned one day as i just couldn't do it any longer. i then bummed around for a few weeks trying to get a job and nothing happened and i thought to my self, fuck it!, i need to go away, so i went to new york for 2 weeks and stayed with my uncle. i had a call the day i got back to london, about a job and i went to the interview the following day and got offered the job almost on the spot and i have been here ever since.
am supposed to be going to my friends birthday drinks next week but i think i will blow it out. i said i would go when she asked me, but on second thought i don't know why i said that. all her friends are rich trust fund kids that went to private schools and i never have anything to say to them, when i have met them before. she isn't even that good a friend and has only invited me to increase the numbers and make herself look popular. screw that. i think i would rather go out with my 'real' friends or not at all.
right then, i am off to the gym now. i don't usually go on a monday night but i need to unwind a bit and besides, i am going to miss a week and a half when i go on holiday so i might go a bit extra between now and then. not being vain or anything but i have noticed that my body has changed a little over the last few months in particular. i didn't notice any change for the first few months i went to the gym but something has definitely changed the last couple of months. just have to try and keep it going for as long as i can.
i think its because i have been going a lot more regularly since i have been job hunting and its a great stress reliever after being at work all day. i sleep like a baby if i work out really hard as well and so thats another reason to train hard. i think i have been taking out any frustrations at the gym and so whilst all this job hunting is not good for my head its turning out to be good for my body. not all bad then. :-)
today i have mostly been listening to placebo - days before you came.
